Hello. My name is Missy Hawkins. I’ve known all of my life I was different. I was never a good student. I was always loud, hyper, active, clumsy, forgetful. Growing up in a life filled with trauma, passed on through the generations , amplified all that “noise” to a slow and steady, never ending roar. In the Fall of 2016 I found myself searching for peace. Stability. Balance. I sat outside crying one night asking the Universe for a sign. I looked up right into the eyes of a little Eastern Screech Owl. I stopped crying and held my breath hoping it would never ever leave my side! It finally raised its wings and swooped over my head grabbing a gecko from the window as it faded into black. I remember going inside to read about what different cultures believed it meant when an owl appeared to you . One version I read was that when an owl appeared to you, it meant your old self was dying, and your new self was being born..I’m not real sure what I believe in, but I believe that was meant for me.

You will surely think I’m lying when I tell you the next part. The next day I went out and started walking around, trying to find owls. I wanted to see that little owl again so badly. While I was out there, I started to notice things that have been dead to me for decades. The fresh pine scent on the air, the spray from the waves of magnificent Lake Palestine, one I barely noticed was there for 20 years. The little mushrooms popping up out of the ground. I didn’t see another eastern screech out but two days later an entire family of Great Horned Owls moved right into the backyard. A mom, dad and three juveniles. They were teaching their young to fly.. For three days, they sat on the fence, hung out in the trees and made their calls from the rooftop at night. It was magic. I was under natures spell now

I explored every nook and cranny of Noonday, Texas from that day on Fields, forests, creeks, ponds, islands and that magnificent, magnificent Lake Palestine. I went from a woman that never left the air conditioning to a wild woman that never wore makeup and grew my hair long. I ran the forests and the fields with wild hogs and cooperhead snakes. I stalked people to ask permission to hike a fence into their fields. They always said yes. I love Texas, never thought I’d leave but my trauma bonds were strong there. My co dependence always won. One place had always called to my heart though and I said WHY NOT? Look how far you have come. In 2021 we packed up a U-HAUL, our car, our 6 cats and moved to the Appalachian mountains. We spent an entire year just exploring SW Virginia, then moved to Tennesee. We became gig workers and just deliver groceries and explore, and I love it.

Funny thing I learned. You can’t just drive away and leave things like PTSD and neurodivergence. In 2022 I saw a doctor because I was as having panic attacks. I was diagnosed with PTSD. I started a medication for panic attacks that unleashed a beast upon me. We had met once before,in my 20s, though never introduced by name. I learned I had just spent the last entire year of my life in a manic phase. My difference has a name, At 51 I learned I am Bipolar I. Around March we started the search for the perfect treatment plan, the long delayed therapy starts in September. While I was manic I deleted my entire iNat. Eight years of work that I spent two years compiling, gone in an instant. Searching for my treatment plan, I have lost interest in life. But a few days ago someone said soemthung to me. “As for me, I live in the moment”. It just all came flooding back, what I’ve been doing for the last eight years is living in the moment. I’m just not gonna give it up. I have lived my very consciousness for the last eight years just SEEING the world and learning about it. I have decided to rebuild it and I don’t care how long it takes me. I’m going to start going back outside, because this thing that saved me, the world will not take from me.
I am a generational chain breaker.

So here I begin again! I hope I NEVER get too too tired to begin again.

He who can no longer pause to wonder and stand rapt in awe, is as good as dead; his eyes are closed.

~Albert Einstein